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Rich Cimini
The NFL’s slate for Christmas Day lacks excitement: three games, with merely two teams in playoff contention and no presence of Patrick Mahomes during prime time.
Bah humbug.
Here’s a thought: If Netflix or Prime Video wishes to spice things up, one of the streaming platforms should leverage its technology to produce a fictional, festive-themed football matchup.
Enter the power of artificial intelligence!
This game would be titled the Holiday Bowl. (Apologies to residents of San Diego. We hear you, Ron Burgundy.) Naturally, it would be hosted in Santa Claus, Indiana, home of former Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who could serve as the grand marshal of this whimsical game.
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This whimsical contest would feature the Red Zone Reindeer squaring off against Gang Grinch, with coaching staffs led by Pete Carroll and former New York Jets safety Scott Frost (currently on loan from the University of Central Florida). Holly Rowe would provide sideline reporting and Mike (Oh) Tannenbaum would serve as analyst in the radio booth.
Honorary captains for the game would include Frostee Rucker for the Reindeer and Ebenezer Ekuban leading Gang Grinch, both former NFL defensive linemen.
The league would allow Demarcus Christmas to join the action, allowing the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts player to represent whichever team he favors. Every Holiday Bowl needs a touch of Christmas spirit, even if the 2019 Seattle Seahawks draft pick is a towering 6-foot-4, 305 pounds. His contract would incorporate a special clause sanctioning the transfer.
Imagine the jolly showdown between quarterbacks Mason Rudolph and Mike White. The legendary Bart Starr would surely have relished this match-up, especially on a chilly field.
Sufficient skill-position talent would be present to melt any snowman. Rudolph’s offensive cohort would feature wide receiver Jaylin Noel and running backs Jeremy (Saint) McNichols and Julius Chestnut, who would shield him from the Blitzen linebackers.
The field general White would be handing off to Breece (Deck the) Hall and connecting with Matthew (Five) Golden (Rings), all while CeeDee Lamb occupies the slot position. Former Steelers standout Le’Veon Bell was approached to play, but he declined the offer due to dissatisfaction with the contract terms.
The offensive line would see Cole Strange and Cody Whitehair, who has a desire to showcase his talents in Santa Claus after being released by the Raiders last year. Taylor Decker and Esa (North) Pole would fortify Gang Grinch’s front line.
The defenses would include a variety of characters reminiscent of Whoville — Dee Winters, Charles Snowden, and Cole Holcomb for Team Reindeer, while Darius Slay, Nohl Williams, and Teair Tart would represent Gang Grinch.
And we mustn’t neglect the kickers, Cairo Santos and Nick Folk.
Of course, sponsorships would be involved, as expenses must be managed. Few things embody holiday spirit quite like Jameson Williams and Thomas Hennessy, rounding out a festive meal (and game) featuring C.J. Ham and D.J. Glaze.
So let us cheer with delight:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bam Knight.
